9 comments you don’t want to hear as a single woman over 30

This weekend I went for coffee with my sister at Brew2Cup in Arnhem. My sister is also single and in her 30s and we were talking about a conversation she had at work with a colleague. Specifically a question she was asked about (not) having or wanting children that was very personal.

I guess all questions about your personal status are personal, yet I find people don’t seem hesitant or embarrassed at all to ask you. They’re mostly things that no one really likes to hear or questions you don’t like or even know how to answer. Mainly because they remind you of the fact that you are single, or that you don’t have children (yet). And it doesn’t always make you feel better. Sometimes it even makes you feel worse, when at that moment you were actually feeling good about your life and yourself.

This made me think about all the things I’ve been asked or comments I’ve heard over the years. Here are 9 that are related specifically to being single and some of my thoughts on them.

Why don’t you have a boyfriend?

… No reply necessary.

Don’t you want children?

This question implies that because I’m over 30 I must not want them. And maybe even for the person asking the question that you’re already too old to still want them. Just, no.

How long have you been single?

I’m not sure why this matters. Because what does it really say about someone? Life happens. You focus on making yourself happy.

Are you sure you’re open to it?

Maybe you’re not really out there. Or maybe you have issues you have to figure out first. Because you’ll only meet someone when you’re perfect. This to me sounds like I am doing something wrong, when I know I am not.

It will happen. You’ll meet someone

To me this is such a conversation killer. Sometimes I just want to say: How do you know? Because there is also a possibility that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. But when you say that you’ll get the whole: with that attitude it won’t happen speech. And then you’re going back to number 4 in this post.

Aren’t you being too critical?

Honestly, I don’t know what that means. Should I settle for someone that happens to come along? Doesn’t it also imply that it’s my fault I’m single? I think when you’re over 30 you know what you want, or at least what you don’t want. When you’re an independent woman you’re not looking for someone to just take care of you or provide for you. That is nice, but it’s not what you’re looking for in a partner. This is a topic for another post.

It’ll happen when you don’t expect it

Just because people believe that is how it went for them, they think that’s the way it goes for everyone. Does this mean you just have to forget about being alone? Because it just doesn’t work like that.

How can you be single, look at you!

No reply necessary. I guess that it’s meant as a compliment, but simply put: this comment is not helpful or making me feel better about being single. There is just nothing I can do with that.

I’m jealous of your single life

Okay, thanks? People in relationships don’t actually want to be single. They just like certain aspects of it. In the end they would choose to be in a relationship over being single. And that’s okay, but don’t pretend single life is better.

My experience is that these questions are usually asked by people who are in relationships. Some people just don’t have any idea about what it’s like to be single and over 30, and so don’t know what they’re saying. The questions aren’t much appreciated, but it could also be a possibility to talk more about what you’re going through at times. Educate people more, so they know. My sister said she is not giving people the answers they want or expect anymore. And I agree, but it depends on who is asking and how they’re communicating it. In the end, I want to be honest, kind, but also let the person know their question or comment is not always helpful.